True Love Deluxe Page 3

  I went with a girlfriend I’ve known since elementary school and who was working for me at the time. We found the psychic’s place, and when I’d settled in for my reading, he looked at me and got very serious.

  “Whenever you end up going on tour,” he said, “it’s going to be more than traveling around and doing shows. You’re going to grow as a person.” This seemed like a strange thing for a psychic to latch onto, but then the guy actually started to get kind of emotional.

  “I’m telling you,” he said, “going on tour will change your life. It will change everything about you.”

  I looked at him and was shocked to see that he had tears in his eyes. It was so intense, so unexpected. So weird. And he wasn’t finished.

  “Spiritually,” he said, “as a human being, it will take you to the next level.”

  Now, I don’t know that I really believed in all of what he had to say, but I never forgot his words. And as I was going back and forth with Benny—I have to be honest—I found myself thinking about it. “Maybe if we do this, something really amazing will happen!” And after all the pain I’d been through, I wanted my old self back—strong me, happy me, dancing me. Maybe this tour was the answer.

  So finally, when the clock had ticked down to our do-or-die moment, Benny stopped me and said, “They need to know right now, kiddo.”

  I was standing in my trailer about to go on live TV for Idol. I took a step back, took a deep breath, and said, “I’ll do it.”

  A month later, we were in rehearsals.

  Figuring it out what this is all about

  When he came to me, when he comes to me

  Gotta do what’s best for me

  —“NEVER GONNA GIVE UP”

  I wanted the show to start like a scene out of an old Hollywood musical. I didn’t want it to feel real; I wanted it to feel like a movie, like people were watching the Ziegfeld Follies, with Rita Hayworth, or Ava Gardner, gliding across the stage.

  On the walls of the den in my house, I have black-and-white photos of Hollywood stars from the thirties, forties, and fifties. When you look at those photos, you can imagine yourself right there with them, in a scene out of a classic movie. And I had. So that’s how I wanted the opening of the show to feel. Something soft, beautiful, ethereal . . . something magical from another era.

  I saw myself sitting at a desk, backstage in my dressing room, writing in a diary, dressed in a white gown, playing the role of the Hollywood star surrounded by dancing men in tuxedos and top hats. I wanted to make them feel like they were watching a dream . . .

  As I was imagining this whole scene, I wondered what song I should be singing for it. I knew that “Dance Again” would be the final song, the get-on-your-feet encore, the final message I wanted everyone to take away from this show. But the first song is just as important, as it sets the stage for everything to come. What should it be? What do I want this show to be about? I turned to the person who had become my friend, my partner and collaborator for this show—Beau.

  A FRESH PERSPECTIVE

  I met Beau about a year earlier when I was doing the video shoot for “On the Floor.” While we were in the editing process, I was watching clips with the choreographer, Frank Gatson, when I noticed one of the background dancers doing a really cool move.

  “Wait,” I said. “That’s amazing. Let’s put that in. Who is that?”

  “That’s Casper,” said Frank, which is Beau’s nickname. At the time, we had just lost one of our dancers and needed a replacement for an upcoming performance. So I said, “Let’s bring that guy in. Let’s hire him for the show.”

  Beau was pretty young at the time, but he had done choreography for Eminem and Beyoncé, had worked with artists like Michael Jackson and Pink, and had been on TV shows like Jimmy Kimmel Live and Glee.

  Because I started as a dancer, I have always related to them. I get them, and they get me, and whenever I’m shooting a video or doing a show, I like hanging around them. It’s a world I love and feel comfortable in. So right away, I felt a kinship with Beau. He and the other dancers saw me as strong and capable and determined again, and slowly, I was able to be strong and capable and determined. In the same way negative influences can bring you down, having positive people around can help lift you up.

  We started as creative partners, but eventually we became good friends, truly valuing each other’s opinions. So at the time, he was the natural choice to help me put the tour together.

  We had already decided that we wanted to do a fifties musical-esque opening that felt dreamy and ethereal, with angelic voices singing some beautiful ballad. So we sat down and went through all the different songs from my albums, trying to figure out which one would intro the show.

  “Maybe ‘Secretly’?” I said, flipping through pages, looking at lyrics.

  In the same way negative influences can bring you down, having positive people around can help lift you up.

  “No,” Beau said. “It has to be ‘Never Gonna Give Up.’ It’s a perfect statement for you. Because that’s who you are.” He cued the song up, and we listened:

  Now that I’m growing / Now that I’m knowing

  Never gonna give up on / Never gonna give up on love . . .

  “You’re not about to give up on love, right?” he said. “People need to know that. Even though you went through this bad period, that’s still how you feel.”

  He was right. So that’s how we opened the show, with that sentiment. Yes, this big thing in my life went wrong, but I’m not gonna give up. I’m never giving up on love.

  In the video that intro’d the show, I’m backstage in my flowing white dress, writing about love in my diary, singing about never giving up, about moving to that next chapter in life. I don’t want to hear no woulda coulda, maybe I shoulda . . . Never gonna give up on, never gonna give up on . . . loove looove loooove . . .

  And as the word “love” hangs in the air, I close my book, get up from my desk, and walk through the backstage of an old majestic theater . . . I fearlessly ascend a beautiful white staircase, and step by step, I begin my new journey.

  Little did I know this tour would end up helping me reflect on the journey of my life, through my music, in a way that opened my eyes. I never expected it. I never thought, when we first started designing the show, that it would be such a life-changing experience.

  When I reach the top of the stairs, the kabuki curtain drops on the real stage, revealing the first act of the show: Big Hollywood.

  All of my dreams were coming true. Except for one.

  Love proved elusive. But I kept trying. If I could make so many of my dreams come true, why not this?

  BIG HOLLYWOOD

  ART IMITATING LIFE

  And here she is: the Jennifer Lopez that people have been waiting for. The woman in the sparkling gown, draped in jewelry, manicured, made up, glamorous . . . The diva rising up into the spotlight.

  Because this is who I am, right? The person I’ve become over all those years in the public eye, the dancer who became an actress who became a singer . . . who became a star. This is the Jennifer Lopez everyone expects, so this is the person I want to give to the world. The Hollywood star, poised onstage in an arena of screaming fans.

  Like a movie scene, in the sweetest dreams, I have pictured us together . . .

  —“WAITING FOR TONIGHT”

  This was the scenario I wanted to create in the Big Hollywood opening section of the Dance Again tour: the emergence of the star, with all the glamour and glitz. It was life imitating art imitating life, and I wanted to give everyone the full Hollywood treatment exactly as it had happened to me . . .

  Big Hollywood would feature the big hits—“Get Right,” “Love Don’t Cost a Thing,” “I’m Into You,” and “Waiting for Tonight.” And the truth was, we had been waiting for tonight, all of us, for a very long time. Through nine albums, through thirteen years, through all the ups and downs. Through whatever fears I’d felt about putting on this show, we were fina
lly here.

  It’s perfect, it’s passion, it’s setting me free

  From all of my sadness, the tears that I’ve cried

  I have spent all of my life, waiting for tonight . . .

  —“WAITING FOR TONIGHT”

  A DREAM TO DANCE

  Ever since I was a little girl, there were two things that came naturally to me: dancing and running. I can’t remember a time before I did these things, and from the moment I started, I’ve never stopped doing either one of them.

  I never wanted to slow down. Moving fast, moving forward is a natural state of being for me. When I was in junior high school, my younger sister went to try out for the track team. I tagged along and ended up getting chosen for the team myself. From then on, I ran every race and tried to win every medal and trophy that I could. Just running and running and running.

  I love the feeling it gives me. I get into a rhythm that puts me in this meditative state, a zone where I feel powerful, strong, healthy, and calm. There’s a great line that Lil Wayne raps during “I’m Into You.” He says: “Every finish line is the beginning of a new race.” That’s how I’ve always felt, my whole life. Always rushing and hurrying—never wanting to sit still. As I would later find out, that’s a useful trait to have when you’re building a career, but it’s not so great in building relationships.

  Okay now I’m into you, like you never knew

  I’m falling for ya baby, I need a parachute.

  —“I’M INTO YOU”

  I wasn’t one of those people who had some master plan to get to where I am today. When I was a little girl, I didn’t think, I’m going to be a star! I trained hard and worked hard and I liked to win. But I never thought it would lead to where it did—not that I ever stopped to think about it, of course. (Who had time? I was running!)

  Now dancing, I started when I was fourteen, in the neighborhood community center at the Kips Bay Boys & Girls Club. As with running, I became obsessive about it. Dancing had a similar rhythm to it, and it felt natural to me. It made me feel good and I was good at it. I practiced until my legs and feet ached—I wanted to be the best at it that I could possibly be.

  I put in long hours. That’s what my parents taught me to do when you had big dreams. I followed their example of working hard, and I put everything I had into it. I’d go to classes and rehearsals early to warm up first, and I stayed later than everyone else, going over a tough move or getting in one more practice. All I knew during those long days was that I loved what I was doing and maybe, just maybe, I could do it forever.

  SEARCHING FOR TRUE LOVE

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  Being a professional dancer was my dream and I worked hard toward reaching that goal. But from when I was very little, I would close my eyes in bed at night and imagine that perfect family, with children and a husband who loved me above all else.

  Throughout my life, I’ve had a few serious relationships. Each relationship was different and each relationship had its issues. But there was one thing they all had in common: They all had a passionate intensity that I mistook, every time, for my happily ever after. In each relationship, I thought my childhood fairy tale was coming to life, and that was all that mattered to me at the time.

  Reality is hard to see through the adrenaline rush of a new love. It’s easy to project your hopes and dreams onto a relationship when it’s new and exciting, but the truth is that it is only in knowing who you are at your core and staying true to yourself that you can possibly see the difference between passion and real love.

  I was lucky—or unlucky—enough to be with men who were really intense about their feelings for me. They did some crazy things, and I mean crazy things. Like releasing hundreds of doves outside my window, buying me a Bentley (or two), giving me rare diamonds, throwing me giant parties, or sending me private jets to sweep me off somewhere. I’m talking about grand gestures of love, passion, or whatever you want to call it. And I loved it. It was intoxicating when it was happening.

  When a man does something like that, it’s easy to think, Wow, look how much he loves me! I believed that these gestures inevitably signified love. He’s giving me gifts that I could only dream of, or putting up posters telling me how special I am all along the street where I drive to work. Does it get any better than this? Nobody has ever loved anybody as much as this guy loves me.

  But passion is a pendulum that swings both ways. As beautiful as it can be, it can also get very intense. Yet, through thick and thin, I chose to stay in those relationships. Because how can you turn your back on a love so big, so amazing, so real? The problem is, it wasn’t real love; it was passion. I just didn’t know the difference yet.

  Passion is a pendulum that swings both ways. As beautiful as it can be, it can also get very intense.

  I found myself in relationships that ended in hurt no matter how much I tried. I was always focused on one thing. I always tried to be the perfect girlfriend, the perfect wife. I felt like I was doing my best, so why weren’t things working out?

  BECOMING SOMEONE ELSE

  Throughout the turmoil in my personal life, and some heartbreaking disappointments in love, I continued to work hard in my career, putting all of my energy into new music and new movie projects. At some point along the way, I was no longer Jennifer from the Bronx, I was becoming Jennifer Lopez, the conglomerate. Now I was J.Lo “the brand.”

  Talk about running! I was in full stride. People were taking me seriously, as both an actress and a singer. I was living out my dreams, the dreams I had fallen asleep to while sharing a bed with my two sisters in our small Bronx apartment, exhausted after a day of dance classes. I was pouring my heart and soul into my career. I had honest intentions and I worked hard.

  But there was still that other dream of a loving family, and unlike my career, where all the pieces were falling beautifully into place, love remained a puzzle that I couldn’t find the right pieces for—the one thing I didn’t seem able to figure out. I still wanted desperately to find “the one”—the man I’d settle down and spend my life with.

  As I sat there envisioning the opening section for the first part of the tour, thinking about that time in my life, something happened. I was hit with the first of many realizations I was to have throughout the process of putting the show together: All that running I was doing in my career, I was doing in my relationships too. I had never stopped to take a look at that before.

  I rushed into each relationship with optimism and hope, always thinking I’d found what I was looking for. And I was always disappointed when they ended, wondering what went wrong.

  FOOLED BY LOVE

  I think back to Lynda and Leslie and me, sandwiched together for all those years . . . I loved my sisters. I still do. I didn’t mind a bit that we were all up in one another’s space, even at night when we were sleeping.

  But then, once my career took off and I was in the middle of the whirlwind of this Hollywood fairy tale, my life was so different. I was now staying in beautiful hotels and huge penthouse suites . . . Paradise, right? I was a grown-up now, out there on my own, traveling and seeing the world, and yet I couldn’t stand sleeping by myself; I was always looking for another person to be with me. It wasn’t that I preferred to be with someone else—the problem was, I hated not to be. You have to be okay on your own before you can have a healthy relationship with another person, but again, I didn’t know that yet.

  You have to be okay on your own before you can have a healthy relationship with another person.

  I was never single for long, and whenever I got together with someone, that was it—we were instantly inseparable, monogamous, together for the long haul. I never thought, Well, let me take some time to see if I really want to be with this person. Do I even like him? Is he right for me? I didn’t see this behavior for what it was—an act of not really loving myself.

  I’m about to sign y
ou up, we can get right

  Before the night is up, we can get

  get right get right, we can get right

  —“GET RIGHT”

  THE START OF MY FAIRY TALE

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  Sometimes love strikes when you’re least expecting it. Marc came back into my life three days after I should have been at the altar saying “I do” to another man. With Marc, unlike my other relationships, I found common ground and similar dreams, instead of passion, at first. I thought I could build something real with him, something that would last.

  It was the total opposite of the relationship I was coming out of. Being a couple that was on the cover of every tabloid magazine for two years straight, hounded by the paparazzi and constantly judged—our relationship crumbled under the pressures of the media scrutiny that surrounded us. Ben Affleck and I called off our wedding, ending our very public relationship in suitably dramatic fashion just days before we were to walk down the aisle of a fairy-tale wedding we had planned for months. It was just the cover of a magazine or a headline to everyone else—today’s joke, tomorrow’s trash—but for me, when Ben and I split up at the moment when I thought we were committing to each other forever, it was my first real heartbreak, it felt like my heart had been torn out of my chest. And when the realization that I wasn’t going to have the fairy tale family I wanted really set in, well, that was when I really started to fall apart. I was dealing with the emotional pain of all that buildup and letdown, the high hopes and excitement that ended in tears and frustration.